Exodus 20:12 introduces us to the 5th Commandment (unless you’re Catholic/Lutheran): Honor your mother and father. You’ll notice it marks a transition from the first 4 that pertain to your obligations to God and the remainder that pertain to your obligations to the world. To “honor” in this sense means to show respect and submission. Do what they tell you and show them the respect due to their “office”. God had often delivered instructions to His people through their parents, which is to say the message was intended to be delivered generationally. If you don’t have it ingrained to respect your parents, you won’t listen when they tell you how to obey God either. Colossians 3:20 again demonstrates God’s desire for us to obey our parents for its own sake, as that pleases the Lord. If you can’t honor your visible father who is visibly raising you, how can you honor your ultimate Father who you can’t see?

“But Jesus said He came to bring a sword and turn child against parent?” Okay yes, but that’s in reference to “ordered love”. Your obedience has a hierarchy and God comes first. If your relationship with your parents or children would be destroyed by being obedient to God, then I guess it’s getting destroyed. “Honor parents” doesn’t mean “over God”. Elsewhere in Exodus when Jews are worshipping every God but Him, He says that “my parents told me to” is not an excuse. Acts 5:29 demonstrates the priority to answer to God before men. Disobedience to your parents would thus become a requirement if obedience would cause you to offend God, that is, to sin.

That’s obedience but what about honoring? Well we can examine that by investigating the inverse. Under the laws of Israel in the Old Testament, to assault or “curse” your parents would have you put to death. Cursing, in this case, meaning to speak hatefully of them. Yeah…. It’s already getting rough. I know a few of us here already guilty or very close to it. Talking trash (yes even venting) will often cross this line. Honoring your parents doesn’t end because you leave the home either, you still have obligations to them. As we read in Matthew, Jews were taking some of their money and “reserving it for God” to justify not helping their parents with it. Nice try.

Alright for the sake of argument, lets say the relationship you have with your parents is salvageable but really rocky. I found a list of easy, bite-sized things you can do to nurture healing your bond. It’s clearly intended for younger kids (do chores lol) but some of these will apply deep into adulthood. If you remember any of them, I suggest these -Tell them you love them -Show appreciation -Listen to their stories -Speak well of them -Be aware of your reactions Whole list here:

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/live-it-post/honor-your-father-and-mother/

Bad Parents

So. Your parents have made upholding this commandment impossible. It’s actually harder to find any writing about the commandment that DOESN’T include a page about “but my parents suck”. Consequences of a fallen world, I’m afraid. Everyone is all too ready to assist with that question. People who speak ill of their parents are put to death, but where are the commandments about kids? Well, Ephesians 6:4, Paul takes a swing at it with “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger”. Proverbs say a father trains/instructs/provides for children. It’s there. Maybe not with the weight of a full commandment, but it’s there. Perhaps it’s meant to go without saying that you should love and not abuse your children. But we know everyone isn’t that lucky.

Okay so lets play the same game from earlier. We know to honor our parents, but what ISN’T honor. Well, honor isn’t ENABLING. The Pope tells us just today that forgiveness doesn’t mean to deny evil and pretend it’s not happening, but to prevent THAT evil from generating MORE evil. If someone has abused you, allowing yourself to resent them is generating more evil. It’s like drinking bleach in response to them hurting you; you’ve only succeeded in making things worse. So no one is asking you to “honor” your parents by pretending they’re model citizens who gave you a Hallmark movie childhood. We can call things what they are. You’re not even obligated to maintain a “normal” relationship with them. If they’re going to pull you closer and closer to hatred and despair, you don’t have to go see them. We are called to care for our parents. So if they go into debt for gambling or something, you don’t have to bail them out, but if they’re in the hospital and they want to see you before they die, kill your ego and go see them. If your parents are neglectful and absent instead of abusive and your efforts to form a relationship never bear fruit, direct your longing for a parental bond towards your eternal Father and Jesus, who He sent to be close to you.

You cannot, however, start a conversation with your friends with “hey did I ever tell you about my scumbag father?” You pay them, if absolutely nothing else at all, the respect due to their position. Like if you were facing a cop or a judge. You don’t even know this person but you pay them respect because they outrank you. Returning bad treatment, even if your parents were Ultimate Giga Satan, is not allowed. 1 Peter 3:9 tells us not to repay evil with more evil, as the Pope was hinting at. If you retaliate or go after vengeance or even just a snide remark, you escalate problems. At minimum, you’re doing nothing to mend things and you’re just satisfying your sinful and vice-motivated desires, which we should be seeking to terminate daily. If you’re a Christian and you’re working on not screaming curses at people being foolish on the highway, how much more should you not be spitting venom about your parents? GOD will take vengeance. HE will hold them accountable. You need to trust Him when He says He will make all things right. “But loving them is hard” Would you say it’s more or less difficult than being nailed to a cross? Because if you’re a Christian, you accept that Jesus did that in order to love YOU.

How resentment separates you from God

This segues (pronounced segways not segooz) nicely into my last segment. Resentment is the bitter feeling that grows in your heart when you’re hurt by someone or they continually sin against you. Resentment dates all the way back to Cain and Abel because God jived with Abel’s sacrifice and not his so Cain just straight up killed his brother. Jealousy drove that case and often that of the abused child too. Why did THAT kid get loved and I didn’t? Why was my brother the good one and I wasn’t? Why does everyone but me have a loving happy family and I’m alone? Anger, jealousy, bitterness, resentment….. In consuming our thoughts with ourselves and where we were wronged, we fail to see the good gifts God has still given us. We don’t show Him appreciation. We don’t see our lives in any sort of positive and appreciative way. We’re inwardly focused and not seeking to help others. We abandon a spirit of forgiveness, latch on to the sins of others, and in doing do we close ourselves off to the love of God.

Ouch. Other people sin against our innocent child self and as a result, we consume ourselves with our own sinful and hateful feelings of resentment, crushing the relationship we have with Jesus under our own inability to forgive. Tragedy stacked on tragedy.

So what do we do? You already know because I basically just said it, you need to forgive. Why no, that will not come naturally at all, thank you for asking. Forgive them EVEN IF they are unrepentant and even don’t admit to wrongdoing. Forgiveness is necessary if you’re going to try to honor them in a godly (if limited and from a safe distance) manner. Forgiveness is ceasing to feel ill will towards them or wish them harm. You don’t need them to be participants in this, mind you. This isn’t a discussion with them. They don’t even have to know you forgive them, but it needs to be real. RECONCILIATION is where BOTH parties get together to try to restore the active and functional relationship. This is ideal, but certainly not required or even possible in every case.

Try to understand them. We’re all humans. They weren’t placed on this earth as uniquely demonic people for no reason but to torment you. They were probably twisted by life circumstances of their own. They were innocent children too at some time. Things went wrong and their brain broke. If you break them down from “my abuser” into just another person, it may be easier to humanize and forgive them. You’ll also be able to let go of the version of life you wanted, expected, or thought you were owed and can realize they’ll never be that for you. Let go of your disappointment and gain acceptance for the… flawed…. person that they are. Find new ways to express (even privately, again don’t march into danger) thankfulness for even the tiny good things they did for you.

You really need to pray for them. And pray for yourself. Pray that you will have the power to pray for them. Tell God you WANT to honor them, you WANT to follow His commandment, and you just CAN’T. Tell Him it will sincerely REQUIRE His supernatural intervention to give you the ability to forgive them and He will give it to you. …You know, eventually. In His way. Keep an open mind. But still, communicate this problem in prayer. Go through the motions and pray for your parents even when you don’t mean it. God sees your efforts and sees you pushing against the currents. He is pleased when you try despite your genuine inability to get it done and you may just feel that little boost get you over the finish line. Pray for strength, understanding, forgiveness for THEIR TRESSPASSES AGAINST YOU. Sound familiar? Only DELIBERATE unforgiveness is sin. He knows if you want to be good but you’re just struggling, but you need to have the humility to ask for help.

It’s not easy. But you do have to try. If you move only an inch every day toward forgiveness, that’s better than nothing. As hurt as you feel by your parents, that gap is infinitely wider between you and God the Father and how you hurt Him daily, not even realizing it half the time. But He still loves you. We just have to try to mimic that energy. This paste expires in <1 day. Public IP access. Share whatever you see with others in seconds with Context.Terms of ServiceReport this